How Dare You?! 成何体统 (Cheng He Ti Tong)
By 七英俊 Qi Ying Jun
Translation by Spider
There was a moment when the person before her seemed to embody the image of a tyrant from ancient texts.
But a tyrant wasn’t born a tyrant and he is gradually driven mad by migraines.
…Migraines.
But this was not destined to be a pleasant topic. Seeing that he was still ill, she finally spoke gently, “You’ve had a hard day today.”
Xiahou Dan drank his porridge weakly and casually remarked, “It was alright, I didn’t do much except acting. Oh, by the way,” he smiled briefly, “I had Yang Duojie drag the old man from the Qintian Observatory out to observe the night sky and write a memorial.”
Among the scholars at that time, Yang Duojie’s academic prowess was on par with Li Yunxi. They both had fiery tempers and sharp tongues. However, Xiahou Dan had read their works and found Yang Duojie slightly superior to Li Yunxi in eloquence.
Li Yunxi was straightforward, saying whatever came to mind, while Yang Duojie could cite examples from heaven and earth, using countless instances to persuade you. Anything he believed in, even if something was black, he could argue was white.
That’s why he was sent to the Qintian Observatory.
At the time, Yang Duojie was very displeased with this arrangement. He entered the court to participate in politics, not to draft some damn calendar.
Xiahou Dan convinced him with a sentence, “We are currently weak and can only rely on ghosts and gods.”
“It turns out he can really write. Something about Jupiter aligning with the Earth, something about the northwest-year star being red with horns. In short, it’s time for peace talks and continued war will lead to disastrous defeat. It was quite intimidating and even some in the Empress Dowager’s faction were shaken.”
Yu Wanyin laughed, “It sounds like things are going smoothly. Now we just have to wait for the envoy.”
Xiahou Dan said, “…It’s not that simple.”
He groped beside the pillow and handed Yu Wanyin a letter, “Wang Zhao sent this. It arrived right after Yan Kingdom’s message. The content is somewhat suspicious.”
Wang Zhao’s handwriting was dense and sloppy, seemingly hastily written.
After investigating upon entering Yan Kingdom, the situation was similar to rumours. King Yan, Zafervahan, and his nephew Tur had a tense relationship, each refusing to yield to the other. Tur, young and vigorous, was more popular. The one-eyed King Yan, unwilling to relinquish power, engaged in heated conflict with the Queen of the neighbouring Qiang Kingdom. Despite being weak, the Qiangs were adept at poison and cunning, causing headaches for the brutish Yan people. Taking advantage of the situation, King Yan consolidated his position.
Previously, Great Xia had pushed them back three hundred li and expelled them from the Yumen Pass. As King Yan aged, he found himself unable to match the vigour of the battle and began seeking reconciliation. In contrast, Tur was ambitious and clearly in favour of continued conflict.
Xiahou Dan did not place all his hopes on negotiations. His previous instructions to Wang Zhao were: if negotiations cannot be achieved, stir up trouble and incite internal chaos in Yan Kingdom. When a drought strikes, Yan Kingdom will be too preoccupied to raid Great Xia.
The result, however, exceeded his expectations. King Yan had actually agreed to send an envoy.
But Wang Zhao felt inexplicably uneasy.
In his letter, he pointed out that the conflict between King Yan and Tur had reached a boiling point, to the extent that it had become intolerable. Yet this time, Tur surprisingly did not vehemently oppose the envoy. Given his fierce temperament, this silence was highly unusual.
Accompanying the Yan Kingdom’s envoy, he set out, fearing interception on the way, so he sent an early letter to remind Xiahou Dan to be vigilant.
“What do you think?” Xiahou Dan asked.
Yu Wanyin shook her head, “This has gone beyond the original plot. I can’t offer any advice.”
“It’s alright. Let’s take it step by step.”
Yu Wanyin sighed. Once detached from the original plot, she felt empty, with no anchor. She always felt that something was about to happen. But at this point, everyone had to rely on their wits and skills. How much value could she really provide?
“Enough talking. Dan’er, no more thinking for you today,” Bei Zhou brought over a wooden tray with a few side dishes and handed Xiahou Dan a cup of warm water. Yu Wanyin was shooed away by him to eat on the side, catching a glimpse of Xiahou Dan swallowing two pills.
She asked in surprise, “A’Bai found the medicine so quickly? Does it work?” Without even knowing what caused the illness, how can they treat it?
Xiahou Dan paused for a moment, vaguely saying, “It’s not very effective, just trying to revive a dying horse.”
“Don’t take random medication. What if it gets worse…”
Bei Zhou interjected, “It’s alright, I’ve checked.”
It already did, Xiahou Dan thought.
Actually, whether he takes medicine or not, or what kind he takes, it didn’t affect the fact that his headaches were getting worse year by year.
Most of the time, he endured expressionlessly.
But there were times when he couldn’t bear it. Fortunately, his persona was that of a tyrant. No one would find it surprising if he had a sudden temper tantrum or smashed a bowl.
Later, such moments became more and more frequent.
And then… he gradually couldn’t distinguish whether he was still acting or not.
Until that day.
Xie Yong’er had persisted, making several attempts to seduce Xiahou Dan, all which were unsuccessful. She dressed more seductively day by day, yet her demeanour grew increasingly listless.
In the blink of an eye, it was the first day of the month again. When the imperial concubines went to pay respects to the Empress Dowager, each of them kept their heads low, afraid to meet her eyes. Everyone knew the Empress Dowager’s recent mood was foul, and no one wanted to incur her wrath.
Upon seeing this funeral-like atmosphere, the Empress Dowager became even more furious. She couldn’t outmanoeuvre Prince Duan to prevent the Yan envoy from negotiating.
Just as the memorial from the Qintian Observatory was completed, she received a letter. Immediately summoning the group of old men, she pressured and coerced them in an attempt to suppress the memorial.
The old men reluctantly complied. However, the next morning at court, the memorial was read aloud without a single word changed.
She was furious. This time, she summoned Xiahou Dan directly, scolding him for short-sightedness, collaborating with the enemy, and being unfilial by disobeying her and yielding to Prince Duan.
“So, Imperial Mother’s intent is that to thwart Prince Duan’s wishes, we should reignite the war and let the central army perish?” Xiahou Dan asked in astonishment.
The Empress Dowager’s slender eyebrows bristled. “How very capable our Emperor has become!”
Xiahou Dan remained impassive, “Thank you for your praise, Imperial Mother.”
The Empress Dowager seethed with anger, grinding her silver teeth.
She even began to miss Yu Wanyin. During the time when Yu Wanyin enjoyed imperial favour, she had been such a useful weakness. All the Empress Dowager had to do was threaten the girl a bit, and Xiahou Dan would obediently comply.
Now that Yu Wanyin was in the Cold Palace, whom could she turn to?
The Empress Dowager squinted slightly and said softly, “That Consort Xie has been too conspicuous lately, attracting too much attention. This imperial mother might need to rein her in a bit.”
Xiahou Dan, “?”
Xiahou Dan, “Please go ahead.”
When the Empress Dowager recalled this matter, her ruby red fingernails left marks in the palm of her hand.
She glanced at Consort Xie and sneered, “Why does Consort Xie look so submissive in front of me?”
Consort Xie startled, hastily replied, “Your Majesty, please calm down. Yong’er… Yong’er felt unwell just now.”
The Empress Dowager asked, “Oh? Where does it hurt? Tell this Imperial Mother.”
Concubine Xie stuttered a few words.
Before the Empress Dowager could fully understand, her expression suddenly changed. She swiftly stood up, rushed to the side, bent over, and ‘urked’, vomiting violently.
The Empress Dowager’s brow furrowed slightly, revealing a hint of astonishment.
Concubine Xie emptied herself of everything she could vomit, still retching uncontrollably. Tears welled up in her eyes as she knelt on the ground, begging for mercy.
The Empress Dowager found it painful to watch, furrowing her brows and waving her hand, “Help her down to rest.”
After all the concubines had left, the Empress Dowager remained seated in place, slowly picking up and eating longan from the fruit plate.
“Wasn’t she given contraceptive tea before?” She asked softly.
There were no secrets in the palace. By midday, everyone knew about Consort Xie’s morning sickness. By nightfall, even Yu Wanyin in the Cold Palace had heard thanks to Xiahou Dan gossiping with her.
Yu Wanyin’s eyelids twitched, “Do you know what this usually means?”
“Pregnancy?” Xiahou Dan shook his head, “That’s what everyone’s saying, but I haven’t touched her.”
Yu Wanyin’s expression turned complex.
“……Ah.” Xiahou Dan caught on.
Yu Wanyin patted him on the shoulder.
“So the reason she’s been pouncing on me like a starved tiger lately is to make me the lucky father?”
This choice of words successfully tickled Yu Wanyin’s funny bone. She held back laughter and sympathetically said, “That’s probably about right.”
Xiahou Dan, puzzled, asked, “But she drank the contraceptive tea, a whole cup, right in front of me.”
“That tea didn’t just contain contraceptive drugs, there was also a sedative. Maybe the conflicting effects canceled each other out. Besides, Xie Yong’er is the ‘Heaven-Chosen Female Protagonist,’ gifted by the gods. In the original story, she managed to get pregnant despite the Empress Dowager’s and every other faction’s schemes to stop her. Oh, and by the way, that kid wasn’t yours either.”
“Then whose is it?”
Yu Wanyin patted him again.
Xiahou Dan was speechless, “Prince Duan is so reckless. I really overestimated him.”
“After drinking the contraceptive tea, both parties felt secure. Perhaps he even thought that even if she did get pregnant, he could bluff his way through. After all, who could have imagined that you… would remain chaste as jade, not allowing any touches.”
A teasing smile crept onto her face, remembering how Xiahou Dan had jolted awake with the look of someone ‘fond of killing in their sleep.’*
* 吾好梦中杀人: Its a joke about how he sleeps violently like jolting awake suddenly. According to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Cao Cao claimed this to justify murdering a loyal attendant who approached him while he was napping. Fearing assassination, he pretended it was an unconscious habit.
But thinking back to Xiahou Dan’s polite refusal of Concubine Xie, a sense of satisfaction welled up within her.
She was an adult in modern society, not bad-looking, and had relationships before. Considering Xiahou Dan’s previous career as an actor in such a promiscuous industry, the likelihood of him remaining single was even lower.
She didn’t mind the existence of exes. But having an ex is one thing, sitting back and enjoying a harem after becoming emperor was another.
The former fell within the realm of relationships, the latter was pretty much closer to a moral red line.
Before, she hadn’t been a lovesick idiot, so she hadn’t paid much attention.
Now she had stooped to it. She was disgusted with herself.
“I don’t like her either.” Xiahou Dan said lightly.
“You can’t tell from looking at it but you’re quite the gentleman. Truly a rare clear stream in this cut throat palace.” Yu Wanyin half-jokingly praised.
But she didn’t get the response she expected.
Surprised, she looked up and caught Xiahou Dan lowering his eyes. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before smiling, “Thank you for the compliment, I feel the same way.”
Yu Wanyin was taken aback.
Xiahou Dan rarely showed such a false smile in front of her.
After half a month of political struggle, the Empress Dowager, perhaps unwilling to gain the reputation of one who disregarded the greater good, finally relented and agreed to permit the Yan envoys to attend the New Year’s celebrations.
As autumn deepened, the Ministry of Rites had already begun preparations for the Winter Qianqiu Festival.
The Qianqiu Festival was the Emperor’s birthday celebration and should have been a grand national event. However, after the recent incident in front of the national treasury, Xiahou Dan proposed frugality measures. This year, with enormous expenditures on the Empress Dowager’s mausoleum, his own Qianqiu banquet would be scaled down.
The news spread among the people, combined with several edicts this year, and Xiahou Dan’s reputation had greatly improved, though how the Empress Dowager, whom he indirectly slighted, reacted remained unknown.
Nevertheless, even with the scaled-down celebration, a birthday banquet was inevitable. This year, in addition to the courtiers, several envoys from neighbouring small countries were also scheduled to visit and present gifts.
The Ministry of Rites was bustling with activity, and even the Qintian Observatory had many additional tasks.
Yang Duojie was extremely busy and frustrated.
As a newly appointed junior clerk in the Qintian Observatory, he naturally ended up with the most exhausting tasks. Running between the Ministry of Rites, coordinating auspicious timings, arranging the placement of ceremonial objects, and organising the sequence of events.
What frustrated him the most was that this work didn’t create any tangible value. It was all about appearances.
Like Li Yunxi, Yang Duojie valued practical work and looked down upon these formal and ceremonial rituals. He could eloquently argue about eight different ways to determine the appropriate time for a meal, but deep inside, he felt bitter and began to question whether his entry into the court was worthwhile.
In this situation, Xiahou Dan still ordered during a small group meeting, “Beloved Minister Yang, try to participate in the Ministry of Rites’ design of the reception process for the Yan envoy.”
Yang Duojie was completely dumbfounded.
His way of being dumbfounded was much more artistic than Li Yunxi’s. “Your Majesty, even if the Yan Kingdom’s intentions are not good, no matter how meticulously we entertain them, I’m afraid it won’t change their minds.”
Xiahou Dan placed a letter on the table without expression, “This was sent by Wang Zhao shortly before the departure of the envoys, received only a few days ago.”
Everyone was shocked after reading it.
Wang Zhao stated that he had changed his itinerary at the last minute and would no longer return with the envoy. The reason was that the King of Yan was very hospitable, repeatedly urging him to stay longer to deepen the friendship between the two countries.
Er Lan said, “Wang-xiong, he…”
Xiahou Dan said calmly, “There’s no other news.”
The officials and ministers looked at each other, speechless for a moment.
Anyone with a brain could sense something fishy about this.
Yang Duojie struggled, “Even in times of war between two countries, if the envoy of Yan doesn’t send Wang Zhao back, they might have already…”
Xiahou Dan remained calm, “We didn’t expect them to have good intentions in the first place. We’re prepared on our side too. That’s why you must participate in receiving them, so we can act accordingly.”
Beside the Empress Dowager, a senior palace maid closely observed Xie Yong’er for a while, then reported, “Consort Xie is as usual, no further vomiting in public. But she’s very cautious. Several attempts by the servant to deliver abortifacient herbs were unsuccessful, perhaps due to the scent not being right, and all were directly discarded by her.”
The Empress Dowager snorted coldly.
The senior palace maid hurriedly knelt down and said, “Back then, it was I who personally delivered that cup of contraceptive tea. It was said that Consort Xie had a strong reaction after drinking it. Since she drank it, there should have been no issues. Actually, Consort Xie might not necessarily be pregnant…”
“Oh?” The Empress Dowager lowered her voice, “The matters of the bedroom have always been… Otherwise, the young prince wouldn’t have been so rare back then.”
The Empress Dowager seemed to recall something, scoffing, “Useless things.”
The senior palace maid laughed along, kneeling over to peel a longan for her, “Ah, Your Majesty was scared out of her wits by that assassin-like beauty. Since then… hehe, it’s been quite difficult.”
The Empress Dowager picked up the plump fruit, “What do you know? He knows he’s just a puppet. He’s disobedient, so this Imperial Mother wants a smaller and more obedient puppet. With the young prince, he lost his value.”
The senior palace maid exclaimed, “Is Your Majesty saying that from the beginning, it was all an act?”
The Empress Dowager replied coldly, “Whether it’s an act or not, what difference does it make? Whether they act or not, they still have to let this Imperial Mother manipulate them. Hmph, after being a discarded son for so many years, in the end, he thought he had grown wings and dared to defy me?”
“Negotiations.” She bit into the longan, juice splattering, “This Imperial Mother will make them negotiate until the sky collapses.”
Translation by Spider
Next: Chapter 12
Previous: Chapter 10