All’s Fair In Love and War

In a world where Mrs. Bennet has turned compromise into a weapon, how will her daughters find husbands they truly love…

   Caroline Bingley ran with unnatural speed; this was her chance! Three men were currently keeping several young women away from Viscount Fitzwilliam; she was sure to get past the single guard left. The guardsman tried to catch her gown but her train (of her own design) simply came off in his hands. She slammed into the Viscount, knocking both of them to the ground.

   The Viscount gave Caroline a long, sceptical look. Caroline smiled sweetly.

   “If I wish to, I could survive the scandal,” said he.

   “I have twenty thousand,” said she.

   The Viscount sighed deeply, “If I must. At least I can take a promenade without being attacked.”

   Caroline disentangled herself from the Viscount with every feeling of triumph, though some awkwardness in execution, “He compromised me!” she declared joyfully.

   “A fortunate day for myself at least,” Darcy laughed. He had been running away from Caroline when he happened upon his cousin. As he helped his cousin to his feet, he added “That one has been following me for months.”

   “How have you lasted so long? She is one of the most determined ladies I have met with,” the Viscount asked.

   Darcy pointed to two small terriers he always kept with him, “Specially trained detection dogs. They know the smell of her soap.”

   “Clever,” Viscount Fitzwilliam said, “you could have lent me one.”

   “I had no idea you were in London,” Darcy said, “and even if I did, all’s fair in love and war. I was growing rather tired of avoiding her.”

   Another lady suddenly veered off the path and made for the Viscount. “I am engaged!” he roared. She stopped, turned, and looked at Darcy. His guards must have been too much of a deterrent because she turned back and slunk, defeated, back to her family.

   Charles finally caught up with Caroline, “Good catch Caro,” he said, “you did much better than Louisa. Sorry, Darcy. Is he your cousin?”

   “It is only the way of the world, Charles. I prefer your company without constantly being on guard. I will admit, there have been times I have thought you are only my friend because it keeps women from forming designs on you.”

   Charles laughed, and as if to prove Darcy’s point, another woman sped towards them. Darcy’s guardsmen easily caught her and she pouted and walked away. “I took a house in Hertfordshire, Darcy. Have you heard they have a county-wide compromise ban? It was only voted in yesterday. We will both be entirely safe.”

   “An excellent idea, I do not know that I can stand another week here in London.”

   Darcy and Charles continued on their walk, stopping once to observe a pack of seven women overpower a baronet’s guards but lose him when they began to bicker over whom would claim the prize. In a world where compromise was a weapon, no young man of fortune was ever truly safe.

——–

   Mrs. Bennet was in a sour mood.

   “My dear, have you heard that Netherfield has been let at last?” said Mr. Bennet.

   “I have heard,” Mrs. Bennet scowled, “but what use will it be to us now that the mayor has agreed to the anti-compromise bill? Our five remaining girls shall be destitute upon your death, Mr. Bennet. I cannot believe that you voted for it.”

   “I could not help it my dear, Jane and Lizzy felt very strongly about the issue. They want to marry for love. And besides, with the five eldest married so well I cannot think you will be in any danger after my death.”

   “Love? What a strange notion. Fanny, Penelope, Henrietta, Louisa, and even Anne made such prodigious matches! How am I to find husbands for the rest if I cannot cause a compromise?”

   “You must find another method, my dear, I cannot say I entirely forgive you for breaking that militia officer’s leg when Anne caught Colonel Forester.”

   “All is fair in love and war!” Mrs. Bennet cried.

   “I am still haunted by the sound of you breaking that poor guardsman’s nose, was that for Penelope?”

   “No, that was Henrietta, what a great triumph that was.”

   “Triumph or not, your actions were what caused the ban to be proposed in the first place.”

   “What was I to do? I have ten daughters and they have no fortune and no inheritance! If I did not get husbands for them; they may be left with nothing at all. I have only done what any other mother would have, if she loved her daughters.”

   “I believe Jane and Lizzy will do very well for themselves, perhaps you ought to let them alone. They may find their own husbands, in their particular way.”

   “Have it as you wish. Myself, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia are going to London to stay with my brother. I am sure with Lydia’s great height she will find a husband by the end of the first sennight.”

   Mr. Bennet went to his office and wrote a letter of warning to the London newspapers. Jane and Elizabeth prepared for the assembly ball, a task which included, besides procuring shoe roses, a very lengthy non-compromise document that outlined all the various machinations that residents of Hertfordshire were not allowed to engage in.

——–

   Darcy and Bingley arrived at the ball to a curious sight, there were nearly a hundred men, of various ranks and prestige, and only two, very pretty, single women. There were several married women dancing as well. Mr. Bennet greeted them, “Allow me to introduce my daughters, Miss Jane Bennet and Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

   After the regular civilities were completed, and both men had engaged the women to dance, Darcy asked Mr. Bennet, “Where are all the other women? And who are all these men?”

   “All the unmarried women have gone to town to find husbands, but all the men wished to come here and take advantage of some risk-free enjoyments. I have purchased Purvis lodge and made it into a hotel for gentlemen. Did you not take Netherfield the moment the ban was announced?”

   “How fortunate for us,” Darcy observed.

   “Fortunate indeed, I have nearly fifty men staying at Purvis, even three in the attics! And Ashworth is filled to the brim. The Gouldings have even quit Haye Park and have converted it into a resort hunting lodge.”

   “What an unexpected windfall for your family,” Darcy observed, “and yet your daughters remained?”

   “You have heard of their mother, Mrs. Jane Bennet?”

   Darcy shuddered, “Is she the one who pushed her own daughter into the Thames after a man of three thousand a year?”

   “Ah yes, that would have been Louisa,” Mr. Bennet said gravely.

   “Did she really beat off four guardsmen with only an umbrella?”

   “Fanny is her pride and joy,” Mr. Bennet sighed, “I should say Duchess of ——. But do not fear, my Jane and Lizzy are nothing like their mother.”

   “One can only hope,” said Darcy, remembering the harrowing tale of Penelope Bennet’s engagement. That man only had half Mr. Darcy’s income! Mrs. Bennet was credited with first weaponizing the compromise system to secure her own marriage. What a fearsome woman! Darcy’s worries, however, were quieted when he saw Miss Elizabeth’s Bennet’s fine eyes.

——-

   As expected, Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley were quick to secure the only two eligible women in town. Mrs. Bennet was reasonably happy with Jane and Elizabeth’s marriages, even if she found their methods somewhat boring. Her own exploits were much more daring, she managed to throw Mary off a roof and onto Mr. Collins, completely foiling Charlotte Lucas. What did it matter that three of Mary’s fingers were never perfectly straight again? Lydia, always one for a man in uniform, was soon engaged to Colonel Fitzwilliam. Kitty, with her incessant coughing and inability to engage in quick sprints, was the most difficult to compromise and eventually her mother gave up and sent her to live with the new Mrs. Darcy.

———

   Many years of happy marriage later, Mr. Darcy suddenly had a thought, “Was it all a ruse? Did you have your father propose the anti-compromise bill in order to catch me?”

   Elizabeth Darcy smiled, “Of course! I am only surprised it took you this long to realize it. My father, Jane, and I thought it up one evening after the incident with Penelope. You know her husband never regained hearing in the left ear? We knew how fastidious you were about compromises.”

   “Did you really love me then, when you accepted my proposal?”

   “How can you doubt it? I had nearly two hundred men to choose from!”

   “I have married the cleverest woman in the world!” Darcy declared.

   “You have indeed,” Elizabeth smiled, “which is fortunate, because now that the compromise system has been abolished country-wide, it will be a difficult task to ensure marriages for our daughters.”

   “Can we not just give them large fortunes, accomplishments, and manners and hope for the best?”

   “Silly man, when has something like that ever worked? Remember, all’s fair in love and war.”

FINIS

For more short stories, go here

For my crossover romance, check out Prideful & Persuaded

For my Mansfield Park variation, here Unfairly Caught