“Madams, I have gathered you here today for a special support group, you have all been found to have the same troubling medical condition and we are hoping that this group will help you understand your experience and perhaps, find a way to come to peace with it.”
Mrs. Hurst looked around the room, “Are you certain that I am in the right place, Mr. Harding? I doubt I share anything with some of these women.”
“I am afraid this particular condition can strike any married woman, Mrs. Hurst. Your referring physician assures me of your diagnosis.”
“Am I to die?” Mrs. Churchill demanded. There was a general gasp.
“Pray do not treat us as if we are not rational creatures,” Mrs. Croft said sternly, “What is the condition that we have?”
Mr. Harding cleared his throat, “It is known as Plot-Induced Sterility. All of you have been identified as not having children because it makes it easier for you to serve the purposes of the Author, in this case, A Lady. This condition is only present in, well I must put it plainly, side characters.”
“Side characters?” Mrs. Norris shrieked, “You must be mistaken!”
“I have never been considered a “side” anything,” Mrs. Hurst scoffed.
“It is not such a bad thing,” Mrs. Allen mused, “Just look at this new muslin, I could not have afforded anything half so fine with a brood of children.”
“I heartily agree, children can be a good deal of trouble! Look at my poor friend Lady Susan Vernon, so much difficulty with her daughter,” cried Mrs. Johnson.
“If I had a child, I might not have been able to take in my sister-” Mrs. Grant paused, “Oh.”
“You can always just entertain your nieces every other day,” Mrs. Phillips added helpfully.
“I have always been the best support for my nieces,” Mrs. Norris interjected proudly.
“I have to say, one can always understand why a widowed woman with a generous jointure and no children would choose to remain that way,” Lady Russell quipped.
“I must agree, being an unencumbered wealthy widow is positively delightful. For it is entirely my prerogative who will inherit my fortune,” Lady Denham added. Mrs. Smith of Allenham nodded vigorously in agreement.
“True enough if you are rich,” Mrs. Smith, Anne Wentworth’s friend, retorted, “It might have given me consolation to have children during my widowhood. I lost even my health after my husband died!”
“And how would you have fed them?” Mrs. Hurst scoffed.
“There are always kind friends,” Mrs. Smith answered happily.
“I always knew that I was ill!” Mrs. Churchill moaned, “My nephew is always running down to Highbury and neglecting me, he does not believe my condition is real!”
“Is there anything to be done?” Mrs. Grant inquired, “We were fortunate enough to have an increase in income.”
“No,” Mr. Harding said sadly, “In other literary works you may have a chance, but A Lady seems to be quite fond of an independent widow, so not even the death of your husband would help.”
“The death of our husband?” said Mrs. Hurst, interested.
“It is a common event, in other works of fiction, for a new widow to discover herself with child. It is framed as a “consolation prize” for losing your spouse, d—ed odd thing, I cannot imagine wanting to raise a child alone,” Mr. Harding explained.
“Wait,” said Mrs. Croft, “There were other women coming in while we entered, what group is that?”
Mr. Harding sighed, “That is a parenting class. We have identified another very concerning condition that we are hoping to rectify at the same time. Perhaps I should tell you about it, it might help relieve your suffering.”
“How can we feel better about not having children?” demanded Mrs. Churchill.
“Well the condition is known as Plot-Induced Poor Parenting. Rampant disorder that seems to particularly effect almost anyone with young children. They run wild, holler at all hours, steal knives and scissors, climb on their aunt’s backs, scream until they are stuffed with sugar plums, do not let the stairs be at rest, and eat too many sweets! Can you imagine it?”
“We cannot always expect calm waters,” Mrs. Croft declared, “But that sounds like hell.”
For more short stories, go here
For my crossover romance, check out Prideful & Persuaded
For my Mansfield Park variation, here Unfairly Caught
Nice observation
Thank you!