I Must Be Cursed

by Bethany Delleman

This story is a farce and is gently poking fun on the fact that we all know if Elizabeth or Darcy marries anyone except each other, it’s basically a death sentence.

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Elizabeth Bennet was eighteen years old when Mr. Collins, her distant cousin, visited Longbourn to make his amends for inheriting her family’s estate. As Mrs. Bennet considered Jane far too valuable for the connection, Elizabeth was suggested as an alternative. Feeling a strong sense of family duty and very eager to be married, Elizabeth accepted.

Mr. Collins and Elizabeth were married. After their wedding night in Hunsford, Mr. Collins died of sudden apoplexy and left Elizabeth a widow. She returned home and gave birth to William Collins the 2nd, effectively breaking the entail.

Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy also felt a strong sense of family duty. After his dear father died, he acted on this principle and married his cousin, Anne de Bourgh. She died after giving birth to his son, Fitzwilliam Louis De Darcy. Mr. Darcy was now the owner of Pemberley and the eventual heir to Rosings.

He greatly wished to marry again and set out to find another wife.

When Elizabeth was nineteen and a half years old, she met the attractive and charming Mr. Wickham. He was very much in love with her… assets. They were married, but at the end of the wedding breakfast, Mr. Wickham choked on an apple and died. Elizabeth mourned her terrible luck, little did she know she might have gotten more on the wedding night than another child… As the marriage was not consummated, Elizabeth was free to marry again without the usual period of mourning, something she was fairly eager to do.

Darcy was friends with a young man named Charles Bingley, who had two sisters of marriageable age. He proposed to Miss Louisa Bingley, who ecstatically accepted. Unfortunately, when buying her wedding clothes a stack of bolts of fine silks collapsed on her head and crushed her. Darcy was disappointed, but still wanting to marry, he moved on to the next sister, Caroline.

They were married, but on the way back to Pemberley they were attacked by highwaymen. While Darcy valiantly killed seventeen men with only a small knife and a hat pin, sustaining a single very attractive wound to his cheek, Caroline was killed in the confusion. While very sad about her passing, he set out again to look for a wife.

Despondent, Elizabeth married William Lucas the 2nd, hoping for better success in this marriage. However, overcome with delight at his future prospects, young William drank three entire bottles of wine and Mrs. Bennet was unable to take them away. He died from alcohol poisoning before ever spending a night with his new wife.

After healing from his encounter, which fortunately only rendered him more sexy, Darcy decided to marry a passing acquaintance, Miss Grantley, who had very inferior table designs to his sister, Georgiana. Unfortunately, Miss Grantley was struck with a severe case of smallpox and died a few days after their wedding. Darcy, having been vaccinated, did not contract the disease.

Elizabeth married Colonel Foster, but he accidentally cut himself on his ceremonial sword during the service and died of a fever several days later.

Darcy then married Charlotte Lucas, who he met by chance in London, but she accidentally ate a strawberry during their wedding breakfast and died of an allergic reaction.

Elizabeth married Colonel Fitzwilliam, but that very afternoon he was shot and killed in a duel.

Darcy attempted to marry Miss Pope, a reputed “treasure” and the governess of Lady Metcalf. His aunt Catherine was so insulted by the disgrace to her daughter’s memory that she murdered Miss Pope on the way to the church.

After this final attempt at matrimony, both Elizabeth and Darcy declared that they would never marry, as it seemed that they may be cursed.

When Elizabeth was three-and-twenty, Mr. Bingley took Netherfield to recover from the loss of his two dear sisters. Mr. Darcy accompanied him despite some sad memories from marrying Miss Lucas. They both attended the assembly ball. Mr. Bingley, believing that life may be very short, proposed to Jane Bennet at the end of the evening and they were married three weeks later. But what did Mr. Darcy do?

He was determined not to dance with anyone so he sat at the back of the room beside a young widow dressed in black. They began to speak to each other after half an hour of determined silence. They discovered their very similar history of frequent marriages ending in a series of untimely deaths. Elizabeth then dared Darcy to marry her, to see whether their combined ill luck would cancel out, or something. They were both pretty drunk.

They were fairly surprised to make it to the church unharmed. Perhaps the roof would fall in before they spoke their vows or one of them would be attacked by a wolf? Nothing happened. They were in fact married and had the best wedding night of either of their lives. They moved to Pemberley without being waylaid and nervously waited for the other person to kick the bucket. Nothing happened.

After several years and two additional children, Elizabeth and Darcy finally began to believe that they might survive this final marriage. The entire fortune of Caroline Bingley was used to pay for therapy And they lived happily ever after.

For more short stories, go here

For my crossover romance, check out Prideful & Persuaded

For my Mansfield Park variation, here Unfairly Caught